funny

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This will not be published (decision reached on January 10, 2012).
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A good friend of mine—well, actually, also my boss—wrote a few tips on smartphone usage while one is sitting on the porcelain throne... and I thought I should chime in to make some important additions.

I've had Crohn's disease for many years (go look it up if you haven't heard of it; I'll wait ... okay, good). Suffice it to say, I know my way around the 'oval office'. These are some of the things I've learned after more than 4,000 hours* sitting in one spot (there are things I'd definitely like to unlearn as well, but I'll spare you those stories).

Smartphones just don't cut it

To a professional throne-sitter, something tiny like a smartphone just won't cut it. There are too many chances for a splashdown, and the rules of etiquette strictly forbid any talk-time on the ol' phone. Even if you sneak in a call, there's no way around occasional eruptions disruptions. So, stick the phone in your pocket, and don't drop it!

It's best to use a device that won't even fit in the toilet. Therefore, a tablet (iPad) makes the most sense. Some reasons the iPad is the superior tool:

1. The iPad won't fit in the bowl. No worries about flushing a cool $500 down the loo!
2. The iPad has a larger screen. For the most exciting visits, you're not going to be able to concentrate enough to touch the tiny targets on the tiny smartphone screen. iPads have bigger buttons and are easier to control.
3. Two-leg stability. When push comes to shove, you're gonna want something that's large enough to sit comfortably across both legs. Smartphones fall off one-leg stands too often.
4. Loud Speaker. Fans are loud, and you're gonna need them in the gas chamber. You can't overpower the fan with a wimpy smartphone speaker.
5. Netflix and YouTube. There are so many times when interaction is not possible. For those times, you can't do anything besides watch some interesting 'How It's Made' videos on Netflix. Much more fun watching on the 9.7" iPad display than a tiny smartphone (which you can't hear).

A few tips to help you make your iPad usage easier:

1. Use the case or smart cover. The metal back of the iPad (or the plastic back of inferior tablets) will slide off your leg without the grippiness of a fabric or rubber cover. Especially during one-leg use.
2. Typing demans two hands, two legs. Don't try typing on one leg. The iPad will tumble.
3. No holding while finishing. Don't try tucking the iPad in your arm, or holding in one hand while wiping. You need to concentrate on keeping it clean while cleaning up! Set the iPad on a solid surface—and not the rim.

Sleeping leg syndrome

Now, on to a much more general discussion to help with more than just tablet usage on the lav.

Everyone experiences it at one time or another—sitting, going, sitting... and then BOOM! It hits you like a brick in the back of your quads. What's that you say? The pernicious tingle of a sleeping muscle. This sleepy sensation happens because of blocked blood vessels, usually owing to the fact that you haven't moved your leg in more than 10 minutes, and it's being pinched by the seat.

If you can't stand the idea of a comfy padded cover on your toilet seat, you're going to have to learn the art of shifting on the toilet. Make sure you shift your iDevice from one leg to the other at no more than 3 minute intervals, and if worse comes to worst, you'll need to rotate your body in relation to the oval below about 5-10 degrees, alternating every minute.

But, by the time a leg's gone cold, you're outta luck until you stand and move around for a few minutes.

It's the seat, silly!

Probably one of the most important aspects of any kind of enjoyment of your time on the potty will be the seat itself. For the toilet you use most often—the one in your very own bathroom (if you have your own bathroom)—have you ever put a new seat on it?

There are thousands of seats available, and with an item this important, why should you settle for what's cheapest, or at-hand at your local hardware store? Don't!

I spent a lot of time researching my favorite toilet seat (this slow-close, all-wood, white seat), and so should you! Solid wood will last a lot longer and give more support where you need it. A slow-close mechanism can help you avoid surprising post-dropping incidents (by preventing the loud-lid-drop WHAM!). Find a good seat, and make sure it's snugly in place.

Preventing boredom

Even with the infinite possibilities of Netflix, YouTube, Kindle, Safari, Twitter, Facebook, etc., you're going to want more diversity in your bathroom adventures. Make sure you fit in paper-and-binding books of fiction and nonfiction, newspapers, and maybe even a few moments of simple, peaceful quiet, in between sessions with the iPad or iPhone!

*This is a guestimate... I have no idea how many hours I've logged, but I'm sure its more than any air force pilot has logged in any aircraft!